Are guilty feelings getting in the way of you having a happy, fulfilling relationship? Here's how to change that, by swhitbo
Of all forms of guilt, after applying statistical controls, only omnipotent responsibility guilt correlated with altruism. These statistical controls also produced significant correlations between self-hate and personality pathology, suggesting that
or otherwise harmful experiences with caregivers could lead people to feel that they deserve whatever inadequate treatment from others that they receive.Turning Guilt into Productive Emotions in Your Relationship With the understanding that guilt has a potentially very long history, you can start to forge a more realistic path to providing help to your partner at levels appropriate to the situation. Yes, it’s possible that those napkins or even the tablecloth aren’t perfect but stop and take a beat before you rush into an online ordering frenzy. You can, as the expression goes, “just say no,” but do so in a way that communicates to your partner that you still want the event to go well.
You can also use such situations to ask yourself where the beliefs originate from that drive you to seek perfection in satisfying your partner’s needs. Did the adults in your life constantly insist that it was up to you to make them happy? Was there a specific incident you can recall in which you felt you had done enough for them only to be criticized for being selfish and lazy?
It is easy, with a background of constant recriminations in childhood, to accept guilt as part of the emotional status quo. However, as the Leonardi et al. study points out, the belief that you need to put your needs second to those of others is just that—a belief. Start to look at ways the reality can be different if you make it clear that you can’t be all things to all people.
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