It feels better to have an honest conversation with someone than talk about them behind their back. Here's why, by writerjudie
. I stopped returning her calls or answering her emails and texts. One day, she texted me a question, “Have I done something to offend you?” I decided to answer her. “Yes, you have,” I wrote back to her. “But I am reluctant to tell you.” “I would like to know,” she wrote.
I took a deep breath and then called her directly. I spoke kindly, but I knew my words were harsh. I told her that there was no space for me when we talked. It was always, incessantly about her, and it made me feel discounted and relegated me to a listener whose words had no importance. She began to cry, and I had the sickening feeling that I had done something destructive, but when she finally spoke it was opposite from anything I expected. “Thank you, thank you,” she said. “You have done me a great favor. I have other friends who back off from me and don’t want to get together anymore. I think that what you feel is what they must feel too. So, you have done me a service by pointing it out to me.
I told the rabbi about that experience and he smiled and nodded as I spoke. “That is the right thing to do. Always give a person the opportunity to improve, to strengthen the spirit.”Ever since that conversation, I have tried to be honest with people and invited them to be the same with me. If something bothers me about their behavior with others or with me, I ask them if I may tell them what I am feeling.
And every time I say something bad about a person, I get an uncomfortable twinge and feel guilty because I know I shouldn’t be doing it. None of us is perfect, and of course I slip, but my inner space feels larger and I like myself better when I behave like my best self.
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