'She strengthened and inspired me, creating a space for me to discover myself without judgment.'
Maybe it’s because I moved away from my father as a child and didn’t have typical male guidance in my life. Maybe it’s because I’ve experienced abuse from men and therefore I’m scared of intimacy with them . Maybe it’s because open sexuality is prevalent in my artistic community and I subconsciously just want to fit in. Maybe I actually want to be her, and I’m mistaking idolization for romance.
I’ll never forget the night I finally collapsed on my bed with tear-stained cheeks, saying, “God, if I’m evil, then I accept this and give up. I’ve believed you are loving, but I don’t want to live a lie. If by being honest I get banished to hell, so be it. I can’t do this anymore. I’m sorry.” Right then I expected absolute emptiness, the height of despair and the lowest point in my life. I instead felt an inexplicable embrace.
The most important takeaway here is not my exact ideology. That’s a much broader conversation that requires a whole lot of time, education, and dialogue . I’m very sensitive to, and honestly, I’d appreciate if we focused first on the experiences and dignity of the people. I’m asking for you to feel what I feel on a human level, to appreciate the beauty of someone diving into the unknown in pursuit of love and truth. I’m asking you to accept me as I accept myself.
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