All too often, the problem that a couple is trying to resolve gets sabotaged by the way they communicate. Here are some of the most damaging dynamics.
Too often, though, the problem they came in to resolve is immediately sabotaged byabout that presenting issue. Soon into their sharing of their side of the reasons they have come into therapy, they fall into a counterproductive communication pattern that becomes a no-win gridlock. As soon as that self-sabotaging process happens, there is no possibility to resolve the issues that brought them into therapy.
Most of the couples I’ve worked with, once I point out their no-win communication patterns, can readily see how slipping into them consistently has undermined their ability to successfully resolve any problems they face. That awareness gives them the opportunity and desire to explore how they’ve created their personal gridlock and how to leave it behind. They feel a new hopefulness and commitment to end these unresolvable frustrations.
To help them develop perspective, I find it helpful to share with them the most common gridlock patterns I have observed in my practice. Once aware of how so many other couples struggle with these limited communication patterns, they are better able to look at themselves objectively and with less judgment.All of these no-win situations predictably end in a stalemate.
. When an interaction becomes grim and mean-spirited, it is usually because one partner has decided to destroy the other in any way they can in the interaction. They are out for blood and are not satisfied until they feel they have decimated the other. Because there is some kind of sadistic satisfaction in these heartbreaking interactions, the predating partner will often then try to resurrect the other’s value in order to be able to destroy it in the next fight.
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