There’s no good place to have a miscarriage—but being a thousand miles from home hosting SportsCenter live on television has to qualify as one of…
—but being a thousand miles from home hostinglive on television has to qualify as one of the more mortifying ways to lose a baby. This was my nightmare in November 2014 while I was working for ESPN, hosting a show live from Tuscaloosa ahead of an Alabama football game. I was three months pregnant, in the midst of a miscarriage, when I arrived to set early that morning.
Anyone who has walked this path—the one of infertility and constantly trying to conceive—knows when it’s not happening for you, it feels like it is happening for everyone else. Every celebrity on a magazine cover, every person you run into—even people who didn’t want to be pregnant—seemed to be pregnant. I kept remembering how one of the first things my husband ever told me when we were dating was how important it was to him to someday be a dad, and I felt like I was failing him.
After three long, painful rounds attempting egg retrieval, we were finally able to get two viable eggs, and I needed a break. The odds were not in our favor. For women in my age range—I was 38 at the time—the success rate of IVF is only 25 to 40 percent. I didn’t want to implant them because I couldn’t risk losing them and having my one last hope of carrying our baby crushed.In June of 2016, I finally swallowed my fear and did the egg transfer.
But something kept pressing at the back of my mind. I remembered how alone I had felt all those years we were trying, how hard it was seeing all those other pregnant women when I so longed to be one of them, and how I’d beaten myself up that it wasn’t happening for me. I knew that I didn’t want anyone to feel that same loneliness. I also didn’t want people to only see my happy ending—my beautiful, healthy babies—and think it had been an easy road.
For a moment I didn’t know if I had a right to share my story without my network platform. But I realized that even though I had lost my job on tv, nobody could take away my voice. So I decided to share my message on social media. That Mother’s Day, my instagram post wasn’t just some perfectly staged picture about how great everything was to be a mom for the first time, instead it revealed a glimpse of the struggles in our journey to get there.
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