A narcissist may purposefully exploit your defense mechanisms while hiding behind their own.
A non-narcissist may have a specific defensive structure that differs from a narcissist in important ways.before recognizing it in a partner or friend. Why? Because a narcissist’s manipulations are insidious and unscrupulous, and often trigger a defensive response in you. Although, a rise in your defenses can cause you to act on your feelings less constructively. Eventually, when your defenses recede and you are able to look at yourself, you may feel extremeare usually robust, static, and rigid.
For example, Teresa bends over backward for her co-worker, Neely. She covers for her, stays up all night to do her work when Neely is hung over, and defends her to the team when they are fed up with Neely’s excuses and lack of accountability. One afternoon at work, Teresa’s boss calls Teresa into her office. Teresa is excited because she feels like she may be receiving a promotion. Instead, her boss questions her “bad attitude.
Astounded, shocked, and massively hurt, Teresa defends herself. Emotional and angry, she escalates and emphatically tells her boss that the problem is Neely, and that Neely exhibits a lack of professionalism, is incompetent at times, and is telling lies. Her boss looks at her with disbelief and sends her to the break room to calm down.
Teresa gets herself a glass of water from the kitchenette and goes over the encounter with her boss in her head. She begins to feel ashamed of her response and worries that she is a “hot head.” Instead of honoring her feelings about Neely’s betrayal and underhanded attack on her character, she is consumed withand that Teresa will be reporting to Neely.
Everyone gets defensive at times. You are human and when a person you trust blindsides and betrays you, the hurt and anger can be overwhelming. It is normal to get defensive at this point. Yet, please remember that after your defenses lessen a little, it is your ability to take a serious look at yourself and experience remorse that differentiates yourfrom a narcissist’s. You are OK.
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