EARTH—According to a statement released to the press Tuesday, the planet Earth has "just about run out of ways" to let its roughly 6.9 billion human inhabitants know it wants them all to leave.
The Earth says events like this should have made it "pretty obvious" what it's been driving at.
Following a recent series of disastrous floods along the Mississippi River and destructive tornadoes across much of the United States—as well as a year of even deadlier natural catastrophes all over the world—the Earth said its options for strongly implying that it no longer wants human beings living on it have basically been exhausted."At this point, I think I've stated my wishes quite loudly and clearly," the Earth's statement to all of humanity read in part.
The Earth says all it can do at this point is keep manufacturing disasters and hope humanity finally "wises up." While the Earth had hoped the human race might finally "get the picture" following one of the harshest winter storm years in recorded history, it instead found that people simply went on with their lives, occasionally making reference to disaster victims in their thoughts and prayers but showing no intention whatsoever of preparing themselves for a long trip through the far reaches of space to find a new home.
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