Precocious Goldman Sachs Hire Destroys 1,000 People’s Livelihoods On First Day

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Precocious Goldman Sachs Hire Destroys 1,000 People’s Livelihoods On First Day
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NEW YORK—Noting that “the kid” had some “serious chops” to have already done so much damage, executives confirmed Wednesday that a precocious new Goldman Sachs hire had destroyed 1,000 people’s livelihoods on his first day. “You know, I wasn’t sure about him when we first hired him, but based on the sheer amount of…

NEW YORK—Noting that “the kid” had some “serious chops” to have already done so much damage, executives confirmed Wednesday that a precocious new Goldman Sachs hire had destroyed 1,000 people’s livelihoods on his first day.

“You know, I wasn’t sure about him when we first hired him, but based on the sheer amount of personal savings he immediately wiped out, I can tell he’s a real go-getter,” said Goldman Sachs manager Anthony Flavia, adding that the new hire had already proved he would have a long and successful career as a banker at the firm based on the number of risky, ill-advised investments he had made on behalf of its customers.

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