“We wondered whether there was an element of cruelty to knowingly having one healthy child, one not. We worried having another child would affect our ability — financially, emotionally, physically — to care for the one we already had”
Louise Bourgeois, PREGNANT WOMAN, 2008; Gouache and colored pencil on paper; 30 ¾ x 21” Photo: © The Easton Foundation / VAGA at Artists Rights Society , NY The first stranger who noticed I was pregnant isn’t exactly a stranger. “You got No. 2 in there?” a woman who works at the grocery store my family frequents said, nodding toward the place where my overalls strained.
Before he could go on, my father-in-law — in a supreme act of kindness — faked a phone call and fled into the hallway. The doctor continued once the door closed behind him: “You could do IVF. Or, you could get pregnant naturally, and have an abortion, if you need one.” IVF, we said. That was what we planned to do, eventually. This wasn’t the first time we’d heard how the procedure could be used for couples with genetic problems.
There, we explained our history to nurses, to doctors, to genetic counselors, and to some of the previous who were in training. We handed over what we knew about our genetic makeup, about the mutations we carry on chromosome seven . We discussed mutation classes and my follicles and my uterus and my age. There were the numbers and the medical terms and the strange fact that what it all meant was the recurring desire to have a baby.
Our parents were gracious and kind, when we explained why they would be receiving DNA kits in the mail. They did not ask too many questions or express more than a polite excitement. I was grateful, but then again, I suppose it’s pretty obvious that informing your in-laws is not how anyone wants to begin the process of making a baby.
But IVF doesn’t care about the pull in your chest, the nameless thing barreling you toward a child-in-theory. IVF is all bank accounts and hours in a day. It’s schedules with all-caps items and aggressive highlights. It’s long bills and longer phone calls with insurance providers, if you’re lucky enough to have any sort of coverage.
More weeks went by. The test results came back, and we were lucky: There was one chromosomally normal embryo without CF, without either genetic mutation. When I asked, my doctor thought we should go ahead and transfer it. Why do another retrieval, she said, before we knew this one wouldn’t end in a pregnancy?
I went to the clinic for blood tests. The next month, there was a heartbeat. I left the clinic with congratulations and a swag bag, which contained a nest of green tissue-paper, a book on pregnancy, a zip drive of embryo images I’ve yet to open, and a onesie with the clinic’s logo blazing across the narrow chest.
Belly-up on the table a few weeks later, I didn’t have the words to describe how grateful I felt to have been prepared. I couldn’t seem to stop crying either, and I hated that my face was so exposed. The nurse by my head, her voice was too kind. The doctor with the needle was too attentive, even as she stirred me like a cauldron full of glue. Nothing was like how it had been before, when I was pregnant with my son, and knowing that felt impossible.
The genetic counselor told me matter-of-factly that about one percent of the time, a microarray shows a variant that will cause a known problem. But about 1.7 percent of the time, the test discovers what’s called a variant of unknown significance, meaning that the tiny addition or deletion of genetic material could be nothing. Or something.
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