SINGAPORE: When Ms Rebecca Smith picked up a call on her husband’s phone one midnight, little did she realise that her world was about to come crashing down. Two years into a marriage with a three-month-old daughter, Ms Smith, who was then 34, was still high with the excitement of starting a family with
Some counsellors and family lawyers told TODAY they have seen a rise in cases of extramarital affairs following the COVID-19 pandemic due to various reasons, such as more time spent at home making it easier for spouses to pick up signs of cheating, and technology helping cheaters to find other willing partners.
Then in 2010, her husband went on a work trip. Things seemed fine until he stopped contacting her on the third day of the trip. “You know how incensed I was? It’s one thing to be cheated on but another for them to be so brazen about it and have the support of others who don't even know me,” she said. “My emotions were all over the place. I was crying every day, and I couldn’t talk to anyone because I was too embarrassed to share that my husband cheated on me,” she said.
“I wouldn't wish this upon my worst enemies," she said. Having been just a year since she discovered the affair, she did not wish to go into further details but is currently seeking psychiatric help to slowly heal. Soon, his father would spend three days a week with his mistress, which caused his parents to get into fights.
While Sam is open to telling others, his mother takes her former husband's infidelity as shameful and would get upset when Sam confides in others. He would seek partners who are more mature and senior, and even though they treat him poorly and often ignore his concerns, he would try to make the relationship work.
They would say that he and his wife were too different, his wife was toxic or the couple had tied the knot too young. While Kristie and her partner both felt their actions were wrong, they chose to “sweep all this under the carpet”. “I am who I am today because of my past and my experiences, this relationship included. It made me a better person, in that I now have a stronger sense of self-worth,” she said.
“This would manifest as constant interrogation of the infidelity act on the offending party,” she added. “For young adults, although they may appear to be mature enough to process these negative emotions and thoughts, some may still resort to unhealthy coping mechanisms,” he said. Despite facing emotional trauma, families find it hard to seek solace in their usual support systems, namely close relatives and friends.
Ms Png said that it is often because there is a void in the relationship — which can be both physical and emotional in nature. Mr Lim added that what constitutes cheating is largely dependent on the couple’s own boundaries regarding infidelity. “Before the smartphone, it’s not as easy to meet up with somebody and keep in touch. Now, it’s almost instant,” he said.
“Some people call it an emotional affair while some people may say they are not ‘cheating’ but they are just having a friendship — they lie to themselves,” he said. While lawyers and most counsellors say the cheating party they see in their practice tends to be male, both genders are equally liable to cheat.
“It’s important to reflect on why you’re in the relationship. Is it for an emotional reason and because you both love each other still? Or is it more for practical reasons like finances,” said Ms Pong of The Relationship Room. Counsellors say infidelity can be an attempt to fill a gap missing in a marriage, and couples trying to rebuild their marriage have to make changes for one another.
Mr Lim added it is important for the parents, while in the midst of repairing their relationship, to check in with their children on their emotions and needs, using simpler terms for the child to understand.
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