Get in losers, we’re going to grow old and grey together
Today, in things you didn’t want to know: My singleness can be measured by the length of my pubes. The bigger the bush, the longer my celibacy stint that month. To further explain that Bob Ross visual for you: The older I get, the more protective I am of my lady bits and who gets to visit them .
Being single is kind of new to me—and I am saying this as someone three years into single life. Not to sound like a diary entry, but being on my own is, like, empowering. Not least of all because while I’m new to ~doing me~, I’ve been knocking out romantic milestones with boyfriends since puberty. With newly minted boobs, I once cycled through two BFs in a single day.
Of course, I get lonely sometimes. I’m not going to tell you that I don’t full-on Tobias Fünke-cry in the shower from time to time. In fact, there are studies that suggest loneliness can shorten your lifespan. But there’s a big difference between being lonely and being alone, so I’ll check my blood pressure if things start to shift—especially since I don’t even have a cat to eat my body—but for now, I’m good.
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